Shame Must Change Sides

“My message of hope to all victims is never have shame.” –Gisèle Pelicot

In an act of wifely devotion, Gisèle Pelicot, of Mazan, France, accompanied her husband to their local police station in November 2020 because he had been asked to show up for questioning. Gisèle was completely unaware that she was about to be shown videos of herself, drugged and unconscious, in their own home. Dominique Pelicot, her husband of 47 years, was about to be accused of systematically and repeatedly raping her–while she was completely oblivious to his acts–over the course of a decade. Not only had he routinely “crushed sleeping tablets and anti-anxiety medication” into her meals and desserts, he also regularly invited the men of their village to join him in assaulting her.

By the time Dominique Pelicot’s trial began in 2024, over 50 men, all strangers to Gisèle, were accused alongside him of raping, sexual assaulting, or attempting to rape his wife.

Gisèle’s response to this stunning devastation in her life has been to confront shame head on. “Shame sticks to you, it sticks to your skin….Shame is a double sentence, it’s a suffering you inflict on yourself. [But] it’s not for us [the victims] to have shame, it’s for them [the perpetrators].”

Gisèle’s courageous act of waiving her right to anonymity during her husband’s trial has transformed her horrendous experience into a global lesson about shame that has begun to change culture. Her openness has spurred demonstrations and protests around the world in support of changed attitudes.

Public awareness of the trial prompted France to change its laws about sexual violence. In October 2025, France adopted a new law that redefines rape as “any non-consensual sexual act.” This long overdue move followed earlier, updated laws in the United States, the United Kingdom, Denmark, Finland, Spain, Greece, and other European countries.

On March 10, 2026, Queen Camilla of England, longtime advocate for women who have suffered abuse, marked International Women’s Day by speaking out against violence towards women. In her speech, the Queen spoke of her recent meeting with Gisèle Pelicot and the importance of Gisèle’s “determination that the world’s view of violence against women must shift dramatically”–including its views about shame.

Both women proudly wore new red and black lapel pins that read “Shame Must Change Sides.” This injunction has been taken up as a popular slogan around the globe as well as being emblazoned on the cover of Pelicot’s new book, A Hymn to Life: Shame Has to Change Sides (2026, Penguin Press). This new slogan explains that society’s view of shame in relation to acts of sexual abuse wrongly focuses on women’s feelings of being ashamed about what’s happened to them rather than focusing on perpetrators’ terrible behavior in harming women. The perpetrators have acted shamefully, not the women. Shame needs to change sides.

This need to shift our traditional perspective about shame is a groundbreaking theme in How Shame Runs the World. In Part III, A Revolutionary Look at Shame, I explain that we almost always pay attention only to the way shame feels on the receiving end, about how miserable it is to experience shame. We rarely consider or explore who or what is behind any shaming act that’s been done. This incomplete and flawed view is the basis of most any information about shame–in self-help books, in exposés or podcasts, in psychology textbooks, in spiritual guides, or in everyday conversations about what it’s like to experience shame.  

The information and tools in How Shame Runs the World will give you new perspective. When you read about A New Frame for Shame in Chapter 12, you’ll learn that it’s crucial to consider shame from the instigator’s point of view. Only by recognizing that shame always starts with an agent who inflicts it and ends with a target who suffers it can we understand shame’s power and learn how to solve it–for good.

Yes, shame must change sides. You now have available the knowledge you need to make this happen for you.